The Wedding

Dear Nii Kpakpo,

How have you been these past few days. Usually there is no need to check on how you are doing because I know that being a Santa grandchild you will sort yourself out especially at a time like this with just a few days to Christmas. So yes! It’s a useless question I shouldn’t even ask in jest cos you are holding your ground.

What’s the latest in the bearded Man City? I hear as usual, the city is choked especially in the streets of the main market and it’s environs. I have been watching the news and it looks as if even though more people are walking the streets, less is being bought. Does it mean that people are walking the streets of Accra doing window shopping – they are shopping with their eyes and not putting their hands in their pockets. Why would they do that if they have no money in their pockets?

The economic fear hasn’t changed yet. Or has it?

As for the population numbers in the streets, I’m sure the spirits have also come to town to shop and at this period of time, spiritual activity is heightened. In this vein too, it means the crossover, walkover, jump over, rollover, dream over and all the overs billboards as advertised by shiny suited men of God, coupled with flamboyant church names, will be all over (no pun intended) the city.

Nii Kpakpo, have you realised how many weddings there are in the month of December? It is like some fathers are giving their children out as Christmas presents to some young men and as if young couples want to stay indoors during the Christmas and make it a merry sexmas.

Even days of the week are not spared for these weddings because it is a period when people are free for the holidays. In the week for Christmas itself till a few days after the new year there are weddings back to back everywhere and the more friends one has, the more weddings one has to attend.

Kpakpo I find myself at a wedding in my church and the traditional ceremony was done on the Saturday and the wedding during the normal sunday service in church. Personally I think this is best and saves the cost of unwarranted expenses that pervade weddings these days.

Sometimes I wonder how some couples would go borrow money just to have a wedding and then start the journey into life in debt. Does it really make sense? You tell me Kpakpo.

The church starts and for two hours the bride was nowhere to be found. Kpakpo you’re an emcee and you know how these situations can get very uncomfortable and you have to find ways of killing the time so the crowd does not feel the waiting.

The emcee for this particular wedding Nii Kpakpo comes from our golden belt and is a student pastor at the seminary here in the savannah. The emcee is so straightforward but he’s cracking me up not with his jokes, he didn’t say any, but with his tonation to mentioning words, typically of people from his area in Ghana. Oh! And his English language is to die for.

When he calls the ushers he says they should “Behurry! Be hurry!” and when the bride finally arrives he says “God bresst you for your patience”. Kpakpo, I almost touched myself to see if the ‘breasting’ was instant. Then finally I almost died when he said ‘now we will take a sorro from the choir before the preacher mounts the pulpit.’ Did he mean a solo – as in a song?

Chai! How can we take ‘sorro’ from the choir. Matter this!

Nii Kpakpo the part I liked and admired most was his introduction of the supposedly dignitaries present. Oh! He introduced ‘everybody’ in the church I tell you. From the officiating ministers to the wedding, guests from other churches representing, then I think he went to the order of photographs. From the parents of the couple, the grooms colleagues at seminary school, the bride’s work colleagues, family of the bride, family of the groom, the couple’s counsellors, friends of bride, friends of groom, the church members, everybody.

Even his English teacher at the seminary. I laughed at that wondering what would be going on in the man’s mind.

Now I saved the best for last. Kpakpo, the emcee called and introduced the couple’s landlord.

I wonder how the man must’ve felt when he was called but then nothing surprises me here in the savannah anymore. With everyone wanting to feel self important, I’m sure the landlord was flattered he was acknowledged as being present. Furthermore, he must be a good landlord to be acknowledged to be present at a tenant’s wedding.

Which Ga landlord will attend a tenant’s wedding if not to see how lavish it is so he can determine just how much to increase the rent after the initial deposit has run out. Oh how I love my people.

Chale! This is a wedding and as you can imagine the iPads and tablets are out. The paparazzi have taken over the view of the whole ceremony to the obvious utmost chagrin of the comgregation. As I sit in my corner typing away to write this letter to you, the people around me expect me to join the throng of paparazzi just by virtue that I have a tablet but they don’t know that this letter is more important to me than a few snapshots of photos I can get access to just by asking one of the persons to forward it to me.

Kpakpo, if I tell you I’m not enjoying this wedding here, I’m lying to you. There is so much irony and imagery in this environment. For example, in giving the marriage certificate to the couple, the presenter says she is representing the head pastor of the church and the entire church in giving the certificate to the couple.

Now Kpakpo, the irony lies in the fact that the marriage certificate is given to the wife, who receives it on behalf of the couple and the wife happens to be the daughter of the head pastor of the church. So in essence it’s like a father giving a certificate of marriage to his daughter.

The other day your bald big belly cousin at the station of joy raised a question on his social media page and the irony of the situation comes to mind as I sit in this wedding auditorium. He said a man buys three rings, he puts two on his wife and gives her the last one to put on his finger. In essence, isn’t the man marrying himself since he bought all three rings?

Critically thinking this through, I think your cousin has a point there but then let’s leave it at where it is as a mischievous observation.

Nii Kpakpo Thompson, we are all Christians but some imagery I find very ironic when taken literally but since they are a matter of faith we leave it as it is. In true Christian fashion, the pastor soaks the food we are about to eat in the blood of Jesus. Taking this literally will make the whole food a gooey mess we won’t even want to touch. But you know me and how my mind works in hyperdrive every time so let’s leave it that.

Oh! And I enjoyed the food served paa.

The wedding is now over and the guests and church members are milling about. As usual with weddings people are mingling and boys and girls stand around in groups talking and observing. You know the boys will be talking about the girls and vice versa.

Kpakpo, your cousin walks up to me and says she wants to go home because she’s hungry and tired. I’m sure the love charged atmosphere has gotten to her and she is in a hurry to go home and cuddle up. Moreover it’s one of those lazy days.

Abi you know, I no bore kraa.

So I’m off and headed home for a quiet afternoon. No disturbance obviously.

Talk to you soon.

Your Cousin in Law
Savannah Boy

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