Early Savannah Morning

Dear Nii Kpakpo,

So it rained yesterday and many are we mighty glad that it did. The dust was becoming too much and the roads, especially the one to my work place, had become like powder. And with the big trucks – construction trucks and zoomlion garbage trucks plying that route, the rain is a welcome relief at least for a few days.

This is not to mention the folk with the four wheel drives who drive as if they were in the Dakar rally caring less who they peppered with the dust. Show offs!

Anyways, we were at church when the rains started and here in the savannah the rains are always accompanied by thunder and serious lightning flashes like the heavenly host were having a fashion shoot for the Second Coming. If you didn’t know, this is not a good thing for your sister and she wished she was home so she could snuggle into me and in essence hide from the weather – ostrich syndrome.

Well, she survived. As she has done since she was a child. Just a but scared that brought about a chill which definitely took care of when we got home. It sure was a good night. *wink wink

Nii Kpakpo, this sister of yours has been living up here in the savannah and she still hasn’t picked up the savannah work ethic. She will wake up at the crack of dawn, like she used to in Accra, and be off to work by a quarter past six. She makes sure she is at her desk by 7am sharp.

I can vouch on my whatever that even the regional minister, if he’s not awake will be in bed at this time, turning for the fifth time onto his right side so he can sleep well.

Since she started her new job at the hospital I guess she has wrought change because the few times I have been to work with her, her colleagues had come in a few minutes later. I know this because I checked the sign in book for some months and realized arrival times have shifted.

What this has done in my household is that we have to wake up early and sometimes it is my responsibility to see her off to get a car to work. Honestly I’m dreading when we get a car and now I have to drive her all the way to work. This is because by the tine she is waking up, I am now going to sleep so by the time she gets ready to be ‘seen off’ I get only two hours of sleep and I’m all grumpy. Imagine if I was to drive her to the office in that state.

I usually come back to bed and sleep for another couple of hours before I set off to work.

Nii Kpakpo, on the day she sends me on errands in town or I have to do transactions in town, like today, then I am dead. Savannah shops, businesses and offices don’t open till after 8.30am so it means that I have to occupy myself with doing something to while away the time. Well, thankfully, now I can write to you like I’m doing now but hitherto I just roamed the streets observing people.

The streets of the savannah are so unlike Hustle City. Here activity builds up slowly as the day progresses and as for traffic it’s minimal. Even the police takes their own sweet time to report to duty but they are at post by 8am, nice.

The only thing that shows no mercy and is rapid, is the sun. It sometimes hits around 32 by 9am. Yes! 9am Kpakpo.

I have this special spot that I love to perch at to observe. I’m using the words perch and observe because it’s on the third floor of a building and it overlooks the main traffic light at the savannah town centre. With a camera it proves a vantage point like the Golan Heights when it comes to savannah social observation.

Papa Nii, today I did something interesting. A colleague of mine is the manager of one of the businesses in the building – a supermarket and whilst talking to him on social media I sent him live updates of what his workers do when they arrive at the premises. He’s always told me the the knew they gossiped too much and trust me, they had some very insightful conversations. All this I sent to him live. He said he was going to show it to them to keep the mom their toes, so they know they can be on candid camera any day.

What I wouldn’t give to see the looks on their faces.

But whilst I was doing this it occurred to me that nowadays with the technology we have at out disposal it is very important that we be circumspect in all our speech and actions.

Kpakpo, especially for you guys who talk for a living on your radio programs, you should be careful what you say and how you carry yourself in the public eye. As for you, you are lucky because the GAVET ads set you up as a funny guy. When I tell people that I’m writing to you all they say is ‘charley! The guy fool oh’ but I know it’s all in jest because they admire your work.

Any3mi, my time is up and I have to go run your sister’s errands and be on my way to work. I’m to send letters via DHL to Accra but first I have to pass by the bank to get the money for these and other transactions.

Till I write again you take care and take what I said about being circumspect serious.

Be good!

Your Cousin in Law
Savannah Boy

Toilet Day Indeed

Dear Nii Kpakpo,
You have no idea how long this letter has been marinating in my head. Due to the topic I have chosen for this one, the word marinating so rhymes with urinating, and on a day like this – World Toilet Day.

I hear the Bearded mayor of Hustle City has handed down an ultimatum for landlords to provide toilet facilities for their tenants. As to how that will work I wonder. I wonder because the last I heard there was an argument at a toilet forum somewhere and somebody presented that why would they bother shitting on a toilet and who the toilet gets full AMA will come with trucks to come get it, smelly as it is and go drain it into the sea via the Korle.

So why not let the people feel free to deposit the load directly at the beach so the waves can wash it away. That way it is not only convenient for everybody involved but saves the city a whole load of money.

That was a very pungent argument, Kpakpo, if you ask me.

I guess the rest of the people at the meeting could not come up eith counter arguments to that. Wonder what a counter argument will sound like. On the basis of health or what?

According to the United Nations a third of the world population have no access to portable toilet facilities. I did the math Kpakpo and if the world population is seven billion, then a whole lot of people are shitting free range or paying for it.

That makes it a very viable business generating lots of cash especially in these our parts. So I got a friend of a friend whose uncle runs a toilet in Maamobi to give me the rundown on the culture of shitting in Ghana. Let me just shock you with some details.

Every morning, and evening on a constant, you get over 500 people coming to shit at Gh50p. This is the morning and evening constant crowd discounting those who will keep coming with a running tummy. Mind you there is no discount. That is a thousand times 50p daily at least. Now multiply that by 30days in the month.

Now he also talked about expenses – paying of on site manager, more like a supervisor, cleanup staff and cost of ‘pulling’ shit when it’s full amongst other petty costs such as buying water, etc.

Nii Kpakpo, I am no maths whiz but this guy said the business makes as much as a cool thousand Ghana Cedis a month. Remember that in this business you can’t have bad days because no matter what people will shit. It’s the call of nature they can’t swerve.

Kpakpo, now after this education you see how much sense it makes when we heard news of party faithful going round in the various regions seizing keys to the Ghana @ 50 community toilets . I didn’t understand it at first till I had this 30minute insight I just shared with you.

Back to the matter Papa Nii, so there are a lot of people paying for the privilege to shit, an act we do every time we feel like, with impunity. So you will understand my Facebook status on the morning of Toilet Day when I say ‘ if you are on a water closet shitting today say a prayer to thank God for the blessing because a third of the world does not have this same privilege.’

Interestingly I typed that status whilst sitting on my loo.

Whoever thought it was going to be a very interesting day for me. If anybody had told me that I was going to find myself a victim of up availability of toilets, I would have called the person a doomsayer and accused them of plainly hating me.

I was in perfect health and conditions when I left home for work that morning. Usually I take my time on the loo because it’s where I get my brightest thoughts. On this day however your sister had interrupted me because she wanted to use the facility. She had not been feeling too well in the past few days. So I had to truncate my action and let have her way.

Some sacrifices we make without knowing how much it costs us. Maybe this doesn’t fall under the #NunooSaint range of sacrifices but it’s a sacrifice all the same.

Well I got off the porcelain comforts only for her to tell me I hadn’t gotten off early enough so she didn’t feel like it anymore. Wow! What the heck!

So I went to work with half my load still inside me. It was all fine until I was thirsty and i went to drink some unfamiliar ‘pure water’. That was my doom.

Just when the last drop of water hit my tummy there was a rumbling like a MaCarthy Hill tremor. I knew I was secure so paid no heed to it.

Kpakpo, if you have read Race Against A Shitty TummyRace Against A Shitty Tummy you will realize that this was a dire situation and I couldn’t go through another race. I was bound to lose. I was lucky the first time and it is an ordeal I won’t wish on my worst enemy.

My office is located where there is no designated toilet for miles around. It’s a village where free range is the common practice. The people form a bulk statistic of people without the comfort of portable toilets. Not even the government offices in the location. Interestingly I haven’t checked the chief’s house to see how he goes about his business. Lol

In essence, Folk just do their business in the open air and the sun literally takes care of the shit.

So to forestall any inconvenience I made arrangements in the middle of the day to be dropped off halfway home so I could sort myself out. But alas it was not to be.

Halfway to the designated location, I couldn’t take it anymore and I had my driver stop at the entrance of the nearest forest reserve and just found the quickest and nearest free zone to squat. Hey, there was ample evidence that others have been there before me but that is the beauty of free range in the savannah. With a lot of space and land mass, there is enough room for everybody and with the heat of the sun, your load is dry by the end if the day leaving no traces of anyone ever being there in the first place.

Kpakpo, truth be told I hadn’t done this in quite some time so quite difficult to settle especially straddling my laptop on my shoulder. Then I reminded myself this is the savannah and nobody will even bother looking twice to see who’s there in the bush or try to rob you of any valuables. That brought a smile on my face with the differences that exist between the living conditions of the capital city and the savannah.

The skills I had honed in the past from attending to nature’s call at ‘Airport’ both in Adisco and up on the hills of Vandal were all brought to bear in my few minutes of transition from discomfort to comfort. You have to be very careful not to get any if the brown liquid or solid (depending on the state of your tummy) into your clothes else you will have flies making you a social outcast quicker than you can say shit.

I was in there for only a few minutes Kpakpo when it dawned on me that today of all days, on World Toilet Day I had become a statistic and felt what a third minority of the world had to go through since they didn’t have portable toilets. Interesting indeed!

Kpakpo I had predictably lost the race this time. I didn’t even try to run its full course cos I knew I wouldn’t get home. Surprisingly it didn’t feel embarrassing one bit. I had made the right decision to save face and I didn’t feel like everybody was watching me that I had walked out of a forest reserve which obviously indicated what I had gone there to do. Nobody seemed to care.

Even though I will get home and use the potty twice more and later on I will again use the open air facility in a different location, the world toilet day was spent aptly I will say shitting.

Kpakpo, what else was a day like that meant for? I can confidently say that I’m looking forward to the next world toilet day so I can compare if it will be as much discomfort as this year was.

So Kpakpo, that was how I spent my World Toilet Day – shitting!.

What did you do! I’m sure you used your radio program to educate folk on the importance do shitting.

Well I learnt my lessons and I sure am not getting off the potty for nothing till I’m done with offloading.

Furthermore, every time I sit on the ceramic throne, I will say a prayer of thanks to the Almighty God for such a blessing.

In ALL THINGS give thanks – even shitting!

Till I write again, you take care suh.

Your Cousin in law
Savannah Boy

Activities Galore

Dear Nii Kpakpo,

A whole lot had been going on not only in the savannah but issues that affect the whole national cake affect us up here too. In my last letter I pleaded with you to show me a good boutique so I could buy your sister some VictoriASSecrets for her birthday coming up pretty soon. And typical you, you intentionally ignored me. I’m sure you’re thinking I’m going to use part of the national cake to get her the gifts huh?

Moreover I’m sure the dross will not cost as much as a million dollars.

The heat in the savannah is overwhelming and even though I need a haircut I am afraid to risk putting my scalp out there. Trust me, the savanna know is not a conducive place to stay for bald people like your cousin and his ‘toonoo’ friends on the other station of serious joy. The other day temperatures got to as high as 34degrees as at nine am in the morning. Go figure!

Nii Kpakpo, these days social media has become a formidable tool in the hands of anyone who really knows how to use it. The latest internet / Facebook celebrity is one fine young lady called Hamdya Issah who comes from the savannah. Girl did a metamorphic friendship jump from just over 200 friends to 2796 friends in just one night. Truly the girl personifies overnight celebrity.

How did she do this? Kpakpo, just by expressing her irk at he young boys of today for sleeping with the women under any guise and then dumping them. She did this venting with some real Queens English and I’m sure by the time she woke up in the morning she had more friend requests than Lebron James.

Been trying to find her and I hear she is a dancer meaning she loves music. Kpakpo, talking about music, there have been two major concerts at the stadium here involving major international artistes such as Whiz Kid, D Black, Edem, EL and a host of others. The savannah people love their music.

Did I tell you we have our music and movie industry here? The movie industry is called Tamawood and the local language is used to parody RnB and even some local hip life songs. One particular radio station plays such music to serenade people to bed at night. Imagine three hours of popular RnB and cools songs from divas such as Celine Dione and Whitney Houston in dagbani.

Business is growing in the savannah region and in reference to savannah enterprise, there are a lot of business opportunities here. This is probably why the Association of Ghana Industries (AGI) deemed it fit to have their annual general meeting here. They were in town for a whole week and I’m sure they talked about the business times in Ghana and closing the industrial gap that exists between the north and the south.

Kpakpo, would you believe that with all the motorbikes and bicycles used up in he savannah, there is no assembly plant anywhere here. Upon observation I have realised that it seems only the Chinese Techno folk understand what it means to capture the market and provide the required services and therefore have engineers here dealing directly with clients. At least 8 out of every savannah person uses a Techno brand of phone.

Nii Kpakpo, I’m still waiting for a time when you will clear or create an avenue in your busy schedule so you can come up here to the savannah so we hang out. A couple of friends of mine passed though on business but I made sure the pleasure part was taken care of. After all, all work and no play makes Donald and Dr Sapro dull boys. We really had fun with me showing them parts of town they didn’t realise existed.

On our way it get akomfem (roasted guinea fowl) Dr Sapro kept turning around abruptly at the sound of a motorbike. Obviously he’s been living in too many cities too long and carries an inherent fear of getting mugged. In the savannah, it’s pretty cool to walk around midnight and still be safe. It’s not really advisable to be alone though.

I used to carry the same fear around but I have walked the streets of Accra alone at night and even that was safe, much more the savannah. The rider on the motorbike you are afraid of is probably also afraid of the guy walking the streets alone at night maybe for ritual purposes. Kpakpo, it’s really a reverse psych thing.

Well, a lot has gone on in the savannah this past few days since I last wrote to you. I will tell you all about the Fire festival and how I almost got my head chopped off in my next letter. For now your sister has been under the weather these few weeks and I am trying to nurse her back to health. She’s worried about me but hey, you know it’s nothing because when she gets well I’m going to have some brownie points.

Of course you know I will collect. Lol

Nii Kpakpo till next time stay safe.

Your Cousin in law
Savannah Boy